


Crush Culture

by PizzaHorse



Category: DuckTales (Cartoon 2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Awkward Crush, Best Friends, Crushes, Denial of Feelings, Developing Friendships, Duck - Freeform, Ducks, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotionally Repressed, Emotions, F/F, Falling In Love, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Female Characters, Female Friendship, First Crush, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt, Light Angst, Love, Realization, Regret, Secret Crush, Strong Female Characters, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Teenagers, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 12:08:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16639787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PizzaHorse/pseuds/PizzaHorse
Summary: Everything was so much easier before you met Webbigail Vanderquack. Living with a deadline didn't used to be so complicated. Now it's all you can do to keep your heart in one piece until the eclipse.





	Crush Culture

You've never kissed her before, but you've thought about it so many times it almost feels like you have, once or twice, but that the memory of it has gotten muddled in with all your fantasies and you've forgotten. The reality is that you never have, but you really want to. You keep waiting for the  _right time_ , because you hear everyone talk about how that's supposed to exist, and it's magical and there are some kind of imaginary fireworks and then you just  _know_  you should. But every time you see her smiling at you it feels like  _exactly_  the right time and exactly the wrong time, all at once.

You think maybe it feels like the right time only because  _you_  want it so badly, and not because you actually should. Because what if Webby's not into dating or romance or any of that? She's always been overly affectionate, to a point where the line between typical friendship and actual dating is very thin, and very grey, and very muddled. You've only known her for 2-3 months now, but it feels like your relationship has moved along quite quickly, and you've become very aware just how in love you are. Or how in love you  _think_  you are. You've never been in love before, so you can't be sure of what that's like either.

Everything is just about almost perfect, so comfortable and casual, but you're on the urge of breaking down if the two of you don't make some kind of breakthrough. Everything right now is so nice and wonderful, and you've only hesitated so many times because you don't want to ruin this. It's your first real friendship and you're so afraid of how delicate it is. It's why you always try to go along with what Webby wants to do, because if she's happy maybe she'll stick around. Also, ensuring she's happy makes you happy, so, it's a win-win.

But you've never seen Webby express interest in anyone in a romantic way, which is not helpful. Because at least if she said she had a crush on someone, it would confirm that she was indeed interested in some form of dating, and you could profess your love and everything would be easier. It's also entirely possible Webby is just too young for that sort of thing, even though you're about the same age. Sort of. Maturity came around in different stages of life for different folks, and being a shadow creature didn't exactly give you a good idea of when and how that happened for people who were "normal." Anyway, Webby is anything but normal, and that's one of the many things you love so much about her.

There's also another small wrench that is gumming up progress, which is: Magica. Webby is a means to an end, and Magica makes sure to remind you on the regular. Webby is a pawn, not so much your pawn anymore as she is Magica's, but you're sort of one and the same person so she kind of is, actually. You know that everything you have with Webby now, and anything you plan to build with her in the short time you have left, isn't going to last. And that's not fair to Webby.

You want this  _so_  badly, to have some real and true happiness before everything is over, to grasp at a normal life and experience what it's like to have that kind of love. But it wouldn't be fair, at all, to get Webby's hopes up like that. To let her taste that thing you so desperately want, and that you sense more and more as the days go by is something she wants too. She doesn't know what's coming, she doesn't know you won't be around forever or even that you're going to betray the closest thing she has to a family in just a few weeks. So even if she is into romance and relationships and things of that nature, she doesn't know the full story. She doesn't know  _your_  full story.

So what would you even do, if she tried to make the first move like you've kind of been hoping this whole time? If she makes the first move, then you'll know this is real, that she feels the same way, that your feelings are returned and all your pining hasn't been for nothing. You won't have to question this anymore, because you'll know without a doubt that it's meant to be.

But you'd be stuck between a rock and a hard place, wouldn't you? And not even because of how badly you want this closeness with her. It has nothing to do with that. You would never want to deny Webby something that could make her happy, never in a million years. But you know you'll only disappoint her in the end, and knowing that, how could you go through with kissing her? But if she wanted it, in the moment, whether she asked for it or just grabbed you and tried to take it, would you be able to say no? Would you be able to save her from the inevitable heartache? Would she still think it was worth it if she knew?

You can't answer. You want so badly for her to make the first move, yet desperately hope she doesn't ever try. You're scared you wouldn't be able to resist her. Come to think of it, you've never resisted her before. But you know something like a kiss would hold so much more weight, mean so much more than anything the two of you have done together before. It would mean so much to  _her_ , and to you, too, and you wouldn't hesitate to let her have your heart, if only she'd be able to keep it. Although, you're not even sure you have a heart in the first place.

Sometimes she holds your hand and it feels so nice. It's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for you. You thought things couldn't get any better than having Webby as a best friend, until the first time she holds your hand. You'd held hands before, when you were in desperate peril and danger, but only so you wouldn't get separated, so it wasn't the same thing as really, actually holding hands.

But one day, Webby chose to intertwine her fingers with yours, while you were casually walking along. She did it like she wasn't even thinking about it, like you'd done it hundreds of dozens of times before and it was totally natural. She didn't even say anything about it, but when you looked down at her she grinned back, like a kid that's been caught with their hand in the cookie jar and doesn't even care, because they're too cute for you to possibly get mad and they know it. It's true, though, you could never really be mad at Webby, and definitely not for something like this.

Every time you have to let go of her is akin to someone ripping a bandage off. If the bandage was the exact size and shape of your hand. It's like every time you're together, she takes a piece of you with her. Letting go hurts more than anything you've ever experienced, and you've been through some shit. Maybe not physical, because you're tough as nails and also, being a shadow, even one with some semblance of a physical body, has its perks. You've never been sick or broken a bone, but you imagine such things would never compare to the ache you feel when you have to be away from Webby.

You thought you felt empty and hollow before you met her. But your life wasn't really worth living until you met her, and now that it is, you realize just how much you're actually going to miss it. You realize that every moment you're away from her, you feel more empty and hollow than you ever did before. She makes you feel so full of life and love you're afraid you'll burst, but it all drains out of you the moment you have to leave her.

There's an "I love you" balanced precariously on the edge of your beak every time you so much as lay eyes on her, and it takes everything you have to force it back. You don't even dare whisper it under your breath while she's in the same room, because Webby is very observant and has very keen senses, and sometimes you wonder if you just  _think_  too loud she'll be able to read your mind. She's so dang smart you wouldn't be surprised if she really was able to read minds, but she'd also be smart enough not to reveal that fact even if she could.

You can't tell her how you feel. You wish it was only because you were afraid of rejection, and while that is a factor, it's the least of your worries. You know, deep down, in the black pit of your stomach that you're going to hurt her. You try so hard, every time you're together, to please her, and make her happy, because you love her, and also, you're hoping maybe if you're good enough, just maybe, she'll forgive you. Even if you won't be around to accept her forgiveness, maybe she'll still think of you and the times you spent together with fondness.

You hope she at least won't hate you when this is all over. Not that you'll be around to know if she resents you or not, but it still makes your stomach churn to think that she could. She would have every right to, you know, and you wouldn't blame her, because what you're planning is terrible and awful and if you had a choice you wouldn't go through with it. But you don't have the luxury of being able to choose your own destiny, do you? So all you can do is try to make as many good memories with her as you can, for both your sakes.

Every day that brings you closer to your last, it gets harder not to tell her how you feel. You want her to know, before you're gone, how much you care for her and how much you want to have a long and happy life with her, but mostly you want her to know how sorry you are. Sorry about the whole betrayal thing, sure, but mostly sorry you won't be able to spend the rest of your life taking care of her.

You never really had any hopes or ambitions or goals before you met Webby, but now you dream of spending every day with her. You want to someday get a house together, out in the woods somewhere away from the rest of the world, somewhere you have to hitchhike into town to pick up groceries and essentials every couple of weeks. Hardly anyone visits, because it's not convenient at all, since it's a two mile walk through uncharted woods to your place. But it suits the two of you, and your five or so cats. Neither of you intended on adopting them, but somehow they keep showing up on your doorstep and you're not sure what so many cats are doing in the middle of the woods, but you always find room for one more. And it's a perfect place for you to practice and refine your magic, and for Webby to practice art or adventuring or rock collecting or whatever hobby has caught her fancy that week. It's all so perfect, the two of you together living happily.

You chide yourself for having such thoughts. They're even more ridiculous than simply wanting to kiss Webby. None of it is ever going to be real, and considering such a peaceful and happy life for yourself is possibly the most foolish thing you've ever done. It only makes you feel worse about what you have to do, because things could be so much different if only you were a real person. But you'll never be real, you never were, and it doesn't matter how deeply emotional Webby makes you feel. She can't change who and what you are. And all the love and passion you feel towards her can't alter what your fate has always been. You know that, you've known it from the moment your first met her, and you still let yourself get close. Worst of all, you let her get close to you.

You managed to push everyone else who came into your life away with your brash demeanor and devil-may-care attitude, but your usual air of derision never worked on Webby. She stuck to you like glue, for some reason you still can't fathom, and nothing you did drove her away. You almost got her run over by a truck, and you actually did get her kidnapped by the Beagle Boys, and yet she took it in stride. She ended up rescuing  _you_ , and after it was all over she still wanted to hang out again. Almost like she'd had fun that night, somehow, when most other people would have been terrified and headed for the hills away from you. There was also the movie night that turned into several near death experiences in an abandoned subway, the sleepover that turned into a battle and another near death experience at the money bin, the  _other_  sleepover that turned into a series of nightmarish experiences in the other bin… The point was, something bad seemed to happen every time you were around, and every time, Webby didn't seem to mind.

How the hell did you get so lucky and so unlucky at the same time? To meet someone as amazing as Webby, just to know all along you wouldn't be able to stay with her. Maybe you didn't realize that day on the beach you'd get so close to her. Why would you ever think that, when you've never been able to hold down a relationship in your life? Of course you'd meet the one person with the ability to tolerate you just when you were nearing the end of your period of usefulness, and thusly, your life.

It's probably better this way, though. Webby's only had a few months to get attached, instead of years. She'll be able to move on without you. She'll be able to make new friends and all but forget about you. She's young enough, that you'll become a bad memory in the back of her mind. A time she can look back on and think about how inexperienced and stupid she used to be and how glad she is that things never got serious and she didn't have the chance to make any life altering mistakes with you.

You hope, maybe, that you won't be a bad memory. It's a fleeting hope, one you don't seriously believe in, but hey, you're not long for this world so you let yourself have this. You let this little glimmer of hope live inside you, no matter how much you simultaneously try to stoke and snuff it out.

You want Webby to think of you, and not completely regret every moment she gave to you. Even if you won't be around to feel bad about it, you  _preemptively_  feel bad about it, thinking of her beating herself up over being so foolish as to befriend you. But you hold on to some fantastical scenario where Webby looks back and regrets, not that she befriended you, but that she didn't spend more time with you while you were around. That she's sad, not because of what you did, but because she misses you. You want that, because it would make you feel better, sure, but a larger part of yourself doesn't want Webby to ever be unhappy. You especially don't want to be the cause of her unhappiness, although it might be too late for that, but you hold on to any hope there might be of her remembering you and thinking of you affectionately after you're gone.

So you don't kiss her. You know you never will. You wonder, if she knew she was losing her chance to share that with you, if she'd take that chance. If, knowing you'll be as good as dead in a number of days, she'd want to know you in that way. But you can't tell her about what's coming, and you can't take that from her if she doesn't know. So you don't kiss her, and a part of you regrets you'll never know what it's like to be kissed, but you'll just have to live (or die) with that desire left unfulfilled.

It's your lot in life, the hand you've been dealt, although no matter how you play your cards the game has always been rigged so you undoubtedly lose. The odds were never in your favor, you've always known that, but meeting Webby made you lament, for the first time, the fact that you can't change up the game. You know that was never possible, and you fight to keep such frivolous thoughts at bay, because it's foolish to want and hope for your life to end differently, and holding on to such notions is a distraction from the little time you have left to spend with Webby.

You make wishes, on every clover, first star, eyelash, ladybug, face up penny, rainbow, acorn, feather, and any other stupid superstition that might somehow help. Not to help you, no. You don't wish for your own circumstances to change. You only wish for Webby to have a long, happy, and fulfilled life when you're gone. You won't be there to see it or ensure it, and there's not enough time to prepare anything for her future at your age, so you wish for it. Maybe some part of the universe will smile down on you and let you have this one last thing. Well, let Webby have it. You won't know whether any of it works, but it's all you can do for her.

She let you forget about your fate for the first time in your life, which is a magnificent feat considering the quest for Scrooge McDuck's number one dime is literally the only reason you exist. So you owe Webby everything, and if you actually had anything of value to leave behind you'd leave it all to her. Shadows don't really have personal effects, though. But she gave you something no one else ever managed to, and for that, you could never repay her. You'll do your best, with the time you've been given, knowing you're on a deadline.

Maybe she'll hate you, maybe she won't. Maybe she'll regret befriending you, maybe she'll celebrate every moment you shared. Life is full of maybes and possibilities, for most people, but not for you. That was fine, when you were resigned to your eventual end, before you met Webbigail Vanderquack and everything changed. But you'll have to learn to be okay with it again, because you can't change it, and neither can she. You don't have much time left, so you swallow back all the turmoil going on inside, and put on a brave face. It's really the least you can do to make sure your final days are pleasant. For her.


End file.
